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Funny Quotes and Sayings

Funny Quotes and Sayings


A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
- Burt Bacharach

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
- Abraham Lincoln

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
- Harry S. Truman

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
- Mark Twain

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns

I am an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
- Gabor

ARCHITECT is One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
- Ambrose Bierce

I either Get what I want or I change my mind.
- Anonymous

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
- Roseanne

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns

Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
- Anonymous

Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.
- Gary Busey

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein

Golf is a good walk spoiled.
- Mark Twain

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
- George Carlin

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
- Robin Williams

A difference of tastes in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
- George Eliot

I am short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
- Woody Allen

Sex was the most fun I ever had without laughing.
- Woody Allen

We need an energy bill that encourages consumption.
- George Bush
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