Funniest Quotes and Sayings

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I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy. ~ Steve Martin

My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers. ~ Woody Allen

I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived. ~ Groucho Marx

Spielberg is so powerful he had final cut at his own circumcision. ~ Robin Williams

Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are. ~ Robin Williams

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. ~ Robin Williams

Moving from Wales to Italy is like moving to a different country. ~ Ian Rush

I never criticize referees and I'm not going to change a habit for that prat. ~ Ron Atkinson

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? ~ George W. Bush

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out". ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"? ~ Jerry Seinfeld

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? ~ Jerry Seinfeld

If Harry Potter's so magical, why can't he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn't need a broomstick to cling onto. ~ Frankie Boyle

A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry. ~ Anonymous

It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job: it's a depression when you lose yours. ~ Harry Truman

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